If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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