I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
