I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
