literally had 100 drinks last night.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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