Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Randomize
