That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
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She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
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He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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