i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
