Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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