Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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