Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
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She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
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She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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