thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
