mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
