Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
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Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
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It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend