I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.