I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
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I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
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I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions