i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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