You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
