I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have surprise drugs for everyone
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
