I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
