roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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