life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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