So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
