sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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