Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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