I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
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