I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
