You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
