He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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