hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
