Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
