im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
