where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
