Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
