At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
