How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize