you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
