Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
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Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
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First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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