dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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