I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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