What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
