Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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