Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
