I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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