I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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