wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
