if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
