You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
