my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
