look no pants
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
