If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
