Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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