Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
