Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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