We're facebook friends in real life
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
