I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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