Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
